Revision of A Poem

After several days, I have decided to try and revise the last poem I wrote. I made a lot of changes and tried to make it more coherent. I especially fiddled with the last couple of lines. I think the poem is okay right now but it's still too sentimental. But fuck it. It's a poem for my brother and it's about how I really felt the first night without him.

Without Ramon

We spent an hour crisscrossing
tape across windowpanes
before the hurricane landed.
Crucified a dingy, woven rug
against the window
like a martyr suspended in pain.
We barred the entrances,
filled ice-trays, filled coolers
with tap water and hope.
You didn’t have to stay;
I was fine being alone.
Wind spinning cobwebs
like clocks, the howling
trees scratching the door,
the metal railings riddled and neighbors
outside vomiting into flowers
—this would have been fine, alone.
But silent moments,
ones like now, the sound
of a cigarette building ashes,
sound of a hard drive’s purr
or a phone cradled in muteness.
In the opera of machinery
I miss the laughter that is your own,
the one that occupies space,
like the moon, like a snake
in the hushed grasses.