Monday, August 22, 2005

Goethe hits bottom

I am only a few days away from being in New York. I should be excited but I'm not. Instead, I feel angry, sad, fucked-up. I'm trying to stay sober. Trying to get all this dirty shit out of my system. On Monday, I turned 27. I leave for New York on Saturday. I'll be gone for more than a week. I will visit friends in the surrounding boroughs--Harlem, Brooklyn, Bronx. I'm going to a wedding in Vermont too. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to move any part of my body. I'm sick. I'm angry. I'm fucked-up. I'm trying to beat this. Inside, I scream. I scream. Scream. There is nothing. Nothing inside. Only tremors, goddamn only tremors. I need this time away, like I need a drink. I need to wake up late, to leave this place. Forever. Eternal. A stiff drink, goddamn I need a drink, some painkillers, anything. In a few days I'll finally be on a plane heading for New York. And I all want is a drink. A stiff drink.

I wrote this journal entry a couple of days before I left to NYC. Today, I’ve spent most of the evening asleep and rereading journal entries. I have so much to do but very little energy to concentrate. I’m embarrassed I wrote this entry. I can still remember the aching desire, the intense thirst. Things are slowly getting better but I’ve just embarked on getting clean. . .again. This past weekend was the last straw. I spent most of it lying in bed, sick to my stomach, nauseous and torn up, only to wake up and find myself back at work. My only time off wasted. I taped a quote to my bedroom mirror. It is commonly attributed to the German writer Goethe, but it appears to be an amalgamation of the insights of a number of different authors. It states:

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative, there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves, too. Whatever you can do or dream, you can begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.  

I have not been honest with myself, not followed through with my desire to be a writer, to have a better relationship with my family. My addictions have gotten in the way of all these things. It’s time for change, time to move on and begin it now, this life of mine.  

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